Zwierzalnia – April 10, 2020

Life can be crazy sometimes. It’s a common fact of life. We may not know a lot of things as we venture into the world that is our future, but one thing’s for certain. Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. Some are borderline embarrassing, while others are straight up hilarious. Share with us your crazy/funny stories! We know you want to!

New stories will be published on Fridays.


KARMA DO CIEBIE WRÓCI

Kiedy uczyłam się do matury zawarłam pakt z koleżanką z klasy że pomogę jej się przygotować do biologii, bo w tym przedmiocie czułam się jak ryba w wodzie i nie miałam ogólnie z biologią żadnego problemu, a ona w zamian miała mi pomóc w matematyce. Ja oczywiście dotrzymałam słowa ale kiedy nadeszła jej kolej by wywiązać się z umowy, udawała głupią i zaczęła mnie unikać. Jakimś cudem zaliczyłam matematykę ale nadal miałam do niej wielki żal. Myślałam że po liceum już się nie zobaczymy. Byłam w głębokim błędzie. Otóż moja ukochana była koleżanka z klasy zaczęła uczęszczać do mojego uniwersytetu i żeby było jeszcze śmieszniej chodziła na te same wykłady co ja. Dowiedziałam się o tym dopiero kiedy zaczęła się sesja zimowa bo zawsze jak mieliśmy normalne zajęcia podpisywała się na liście i ulatniała się z zajęć. Tak naprawdę, to tylko chciała ładny papierek by się pochwalić innym że studiowała biochemie. Kiedy nadszedł dzień jednego z naszych najważniejszych egzaminów, zauważyła mnie i z uśmiechem na ustach usiadła obok mnie. Ja oczywiście ją ignorowałam ale w końcu się odezwała mówiąc do mnie: “Hej, kopę lat! Wiesz co, kiedy uczyłam się do tego egzaminu bardzo trudno ogarniałam materiał. Bądź dobrą koleżanką i ustaw się tak żebym mogła łatwo sobie ściągnąć.“ Normalnie, nie mogłam uwierzyć w to co mówiła. Czy ona naprawdę myślała że jej w tej sytuacji pomogę? Czy ona w ogóle pamiętała jak mnie kiedyś potraktowała? Nie odezwałam się do niej ani słowem ale odpowiedziałam jej za to uśmiechem. Ona odetchnęła z ulgą myśląc że wszystko ma pod kontrolą, ale ku jej zaskoczeniu kiedy dostaliśmy egzamin, ja zasłoniłam całym łokciem wszystkie moje odpowiedzi. Kilka tygodni później dowiedziałam się że już nie uczęszczała na zajęcia bo nie zaliczyła żadnego egzaminu i od samego początku leciała na warunkach. W innym przypadku może było by mi głupio, ale szczerze… sama się o to prosiła.


THE PHONE INCIDENT

There’s one thing you need to know about me in order to fully understand this story. I hate talking to people. It may sound a bit harsh but that’s the truth. And as you may probably know, universe loves to mess with us in funny ways. Despite the fact that I hate talking to people I seem to magnetically attract random people who just love to converse with me. By that I mean they talk and I stand near them, completely dead silent. Needless to say, I had a lot of weird and awkward “conversations” with strangers but the one I am about to tell you right now really takes the cake.

One time a stranger who appeared to be in his late sixties, approached me at the bus stop. I could feel him staring at me so I clenched my jaw, already knowing what was about to happen. Low and behold he started to talk to me. First, he discussed the most boring subject known to mankind…the weather. Then he moved on and talked about his last visit to the doctor. You know the usual stuff: how long the queues were, what he was prescribed by the doctor, what other patients suffered from etc. Although I hated being stuck in this awkward situation I didn’t want to be super rude to him so I nodded and hummed occasionally to give him the impression that I was listening, even though in reality I couldn’t care less. But then he said something that I never expected to hear. He revealed to me that he was abused as a child and how traumatizing that was for him.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I felt bad for the guy. I mean, who wouldn’t? But still, you shouldn’t have this kind of conversation with a complete stranger. He should go to therapy for that and discuss it with someone who is actually qualified to help him. I didn’t know what to say but I felt like I had to say something. The only thing that I could come up with was: “I’m so sorry to hear that.” I sincerely meant it. I thought that my reply would end the conversation, but then he started to describe everything that happened to him in crazy detail so you can only imagine how uncomfortable I started to feel. Then an idea came to my mind. I quickly took my phone out from my pocket and made it seem like someone had called me. I excused myself, put my phone next to my ear and had a fake conversation with no one on the other line. I was talking to myself for about five minutes and I genuinely thought that I would get away with it but then the worst thing happened. My phone started to ring. One of my friends called me while I was pretending that I was on the phone with somebody else. Fortunately, my bus arrived at the exact same moment he appeared to put two and two together. I wished him a good day, while refusing to make a direct eye contact with him and I hopped on board. I still cringe every single time I recall this memory. Wherever that guy is now, I hope he found some help.


APRIL FOOLING YOURSELF

I think it is safe to say that 2020 didn’t start of that great. Regardless, I was determined to have a bit of fun this year for April Fools. I live with my girlfriend and she is what I call a coffee addict. I admit I wasn’t very innovative this time because I decided to pull probably the oldest prank in the book: pour salt into the sugar dispenser. But to my disappointment, out of all the days she didn’t feel like drinking coffee that day and didn’t touch the sugar dispenser. Not even once. When I went to bed that night I completely forgot about my prank and when I woke up the next day I decided to make myself a cup of tea, first thing in the morning. Spoiler alert: I didn’t realise that the salt I poured in the day before was still there. Long story short, I can still remember the taste of that goddamn salt and my girlfriend is sent into fits of laughter every single time I approach the kitchen and touch our sugar dispenser.