Zwierzalnia – May 29, 2020

Life can be crazy sometimes. It’s a common fact of life. We may not know a lot of things as we venture into the world that is our future, but one thing’s for certain. Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. Some are borderline embarrassing, while others are straight up hilarious. Share with us your crazy/funny stories! We know you want to!

New stories will be published on Fridays.


BREAKING THE ICE

I’m really bad at talking to people. Sounds ridiculous, but I’m quite serious about that. This whole break the ice thing, or whatever people call it these days, was never my forte. When I’m genuinely caught off guard or I don’t know how to respond to someone, I say something borderline crazy. I can’t help myself. Nonsense just uncontrollably comes out of my mouth. Even my close friends are aware of that, so they don’t pressure me to talk much in public, which I really appreciate. Still that didn’t stop one of my buddies from inviting me to an overcrowded nightclub to celebrate his birthday. If you are a person that frequently visits nightclubs you would know that they are full of strangers so I was, figuratively speaking, shitting my pants before I even arrived at my destination. The idea of socializing with new people and engaging in a conversation just made me super nervous. When I finally arrived I beelined straight towards my friends who were already seated at one of the private booths. I quietly greeted them, sat in the far corner to avoid as much conversation as possible and almost immediately pulled out my phone. Sounds quite douchey, of me to do that, but my friends are completely used to it. After scrolling endlessly and not finding anything interesting online I decided to put my phone down and focused on my friends who were drinking and cracking funny anecdotes. I was listening to them every now and then, but occasionally I would be completely lost in my own thoughts. Then completely out of the blue, a nice looking girl, who I’ve never seen before sat down right next to me. I later came to realize that she was my friend’s colleague. When she opened her mouth to greet me I immediately thought; ‘Oh boy. Here we go.’ She politely introduced herself to me and looked at me expectantly to let me introduce myself. I quietly muttered my name and sent her a small smile, which probably looked more like a grimace, now that I’m thinking about it. She giggled, almost as if she sensed how awkward I felt at that given moment and said; “You have a nice name and all, but I kind of hoped that you would tell me a little bit more about yourself? You looked lost in thought just a minute ago. Care to tell me what you were thinking?” I decided to say the first thing that popped into my head so I said: “Have you ever wondered how and when you’re going to die?” Yeah, I’m sure you can already guess that this conversation didn’t go well. About two weeks later I met up with my friend again to catch up and he told me that his co-worker, who was at the party, advised him to stay away from me because apparently I have a “creepy vibe” written all over me. Um…I think not! I’m just bad at talking to people! Next time, just don’t talk to me! How about that?


CHŁOPIEC CZY DZIEWCZYNKA?

Jakieś kilka miesięcy temu przypadkiem wpadłam na koleżankę z gimnazjum. Dawno się nie widzieliśmy ale łatwo ją rozpoznałam. Nie będę także ukrywać że prawie od razu zauważyłam że miała bardzo zaokrąglony brzuch, więc bez zastanowienia zapytałam się z uśmiechem na ustach: “Chłopiec czy dziewczynka?” A ona na to monotonnym głosem: “Nie jestem w ciąży. Po prostu przytyłam.” Byłam pewna że w tym momencie kompletnie spalę się ze wstydu. Czasami muszę się porządnie ugryźć w język.


EM-BRA-RASSING!

When I was still living with my parents my girlfriend stayed over for the night. It was a big deal for me, because this was the first time I had a girl over and my parents actually agreed to let her stay. Not only in MY house, but in MY bedroom. Before you ask, we didn’t do anything wild. It was all PG-13. We cuddled, watched some movies, talked about random things and then went straight to bed. When we woke up the next morning she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and I saw her bra hanging on my chair (yes fellas believe it or not most girls don’t wear bras to bed). For some reason I thought that trying on her bra would be kind of funny, so I did just that and in that exact moment my mom walked in to tell me and my girlfriend that breakfast is ready. We both froze in place, she blinked a couple of times and without saying a word quickly shut the door. I couldn’t look my mom in the eyes that day.